Support Grieving Parents
A short guide on offering meaningful support to parents navigating the loss of a child.
Losing a child is a devastating, world-shattering experience. For parents, it can feel as though a part of themselves has been torn away, leaving a void that words can hardly begin to describe. This kind of grief is raw, intense, and isolating. It is a journey marked by overwhelming sadness, love, and longing — and it is unique for every parent.
For those wishing to support grieving parents, the task can feel daunting.
- What can you say when no words seem enough?
- How can you help when you cannot change the reality of their pain?
The truth is, you don’t have to have all the answers. Being present, offering small, compassionate gestures, and acknowledging their loss can make a world of difference. This article is meant to guide you through offering meaningful support, respecting the grieving parent’s unique needs, and being a source of light in their darkest hours.
Understanding the Landscape of Grief
The grief experienced by parents who have lost a child is not like other forms of grief. It is a grief that encompasses not only the loss of a life but also the loss of potential and dreams — birthdays that will never be celebrated, milestones that will never be reached, and a future that will never unfold. It’s important to recognize the complexity of this grief and understand that it may not look the same from one day to the next.
Grief is Not Linear: Some days may feel more bearable, while others can feel like starting at square one all over again. This fluctuation is normal and doesn’t follow a predictable pattern. Grief may ease and then surge unexpectedly, triggered by a memory, a sound, or an ordinary day that suddenly feels overwhelming.
Grieving Parents May Experience a Range of Emotions: Grief can involve a mix of sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, and even numbness. Some parents might feel as if they are “losing” their memories of their child, while others may find themselves constantly replaying every detail. Each experience is deeply personal.
Types of Grief Parents May Experience:
Acute Grief: The immediate, visceral pain that follows the loss. It may involve shock, numbness, and disbelief. During this time, parents may feel detached from reality or unable to process what has happened.
Complex and Prolonged Grief: As time passes, grief can become more complex, interwoven with daily life in unexpected ways. Some parents may find that grief becomes a part of their identity, while others may struggle to “fit” their grief into the demands of day-to-day living.
Disenfranchised Grief: This occurs when grief feels unsupported or unrecognized by others, making parents feel even more isolated or misunderstood. This often happens when others avoid talking about the child or fail to acknowledge the depth of the parents’ loss.
The Do’s and Don’ts of Offering Support
Knowing what to say or do can feel overwhelming.
Here are some key guidelines to help navigate these interactions:
DO: Acknowledge the Loss Openly
Use the child’s name in conversation. Avoiding the child’s name can feel like a denial of their existence, making the parent feel even more isolated in their grief.
Acknowledge birthdays, anniversaries, and special dates. Even a simple “I’m thinking of you today” on these significant days can mean the world to a grieving parent.
Send small notes or reminders that show you remember and care, such as a message on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, or lighting a candle on their behalf.
DON’T: Avoid or Ignore the Subject
Pretending that the loss didn’t happen, or avoiding mentioning the child’s name, can feel like erasing the child’s memory. This silence can be deeply painful.
It’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I’m here for you.” It’s better to say something imperfect than to say nothing at all.
DO: Offer Practical Help
Offer to handle specific tasks such as cooking, cleaning, or grocery shopping. Grieving parents often lack the energy or motivation for these day-to-day chores.
Take over childcare for siblings, help with school drop-offs, or even just run a load of laundry. These small acts can relieve some of the everyday burden and create space for the parents to grieve.
DON’T: Use Clichés or Minimizing Phrases
Avoid saying things like, “At least you have other children,” or “You can always have another.” These comments, while well-intentioned, can be deeply hurtful and minimize the value of the child who was lost.
Instead, try, “I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you,” or simply, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Recognizing and Responding to the Parent’s Needs
Every grieving parent has unique needs, and those needs can change daily. Here are a few ways to remain flexible and responsive:
Respect Their Personal Space: Grief can make people want to withdraw and be alone. Give them the space they need, while also making it clear that you are there when they want to reach out. Let them know you’ll be there when they’re ready.
Check in Regularly, Without Expectation: Even if they don’t respond, your message can provide comfort. Try sending a short text that doesn’t require a response, like, “I’m thinking of you and sending love today.” This shows that you’re thinking of them, even if they don’t have the energy to reply.
Allow Expression of Grief: Encourage parents to talk about their child if they want to. Listen without interrupting, offering platitudes, or trying to “fix” their pain. Sometimes, all they need is for someone to bear witness to their feelings.
Be Willing to Sit in Silence: Just sitting quietly beside a grieving parent can provide more comfort than words ever could. Sometimes, your presence is enough.
Supporting Through the Long Haul
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. For grieving parents, the loss of a child is something they will carry forever, even as the intensity of their grief changes over time. Here are some ways to continue supporting them in the months and years to come:
Understand the Long-Term Impact: While the immediate aftermath of loss is the most visibly painful, grief often deepens as time goes on. Parents may feel pressure to “move on” or “get back to normal,” which can increase feelings of guilt or isolation.
Remember Significant Dates and Anniversaries: Reach out on birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays when grief can resurface powerfully. Let them know that their child is remembered.
Be Mindful of Changes in Behavior: If a parent seems particularly withdrawn or isolated, check in gently. Sometimes grief becomes more difficult to manage over time.
Resources
Grief Support Groups (UK & Europe):
Sands (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society): UK-based charity offering support and resources for those affected by the death of a baby. Sands Website
Child Bereavement UK: Provides resources, support groups, and helplines for families and professionals. Child Bereavement UK Website
The Compassionate Friends (UK): Support groups specifically for parents, siblings, and grandparents who have lost a child. The Compassionate Friends UK Website
Cruse Bereavement Support (UK): Offers support, advice, and information to children, young people, and adults when someone dies. Cruse Bereavement Support Website
European Grief Support Networks:
The Grief Recovery Method Europe: A grief support and education network across Europe, offering workshops and individual support. Grief Recovery Europe Website
Online Communities and Support Groups:
Sad Dads Club: Community and resources specifically for grieving fathers.
Still Standing Magazine: Online community for those dealing with infertility, loss, and healing.
Grieving Parents Support Network (GPSN): A network providing resources and community for bereaved parents.
Counseling and Professional Support:
American Counseling Association: Directory of licensed counselors with specializations in grief and trauma.
National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN): Resources for parents and caregivers dealing with traumatic loss.
Helplines:
Crisis Text Line: Text “HELLO” to 741741 for 24/7 support.
Samaritans (UK): 116 123 — Helpline providing emotional support to anyone in distress.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
